My Triumphant Return

Yes, the rumors are true, I have begun writing my autobiography titled The Most Interesting Man in the World. In it, I'll discuss my titillating, terrifying tales of white, middle-class suburban life and chronicle my struggles with caffeine addiction and over-usage of, ironically enough, commas. I've also created a special section at the end that can only be decoded using a Pokedex.
I've been gone these past few months, contemplating my existence, paying to learn writing techniques that I've already mastered, and discussing the merits of fine cheeses and chicken pot pies with sailors. Suffice to say, I traveled to dark recesses of my mind and came back stronger.
Well, by now you've surely had enough of my egotistical rant, so let's not waste any more time. Here are the awesome happenings in the world of sport that have transpired since I last graced the internet with my satire.

1. First Place Seahawks
As I boldly predicted several months ago, the Seahawks are currently leading the NFC West with 5 wins and 4 losses. That said, they've not accomplished it in the way that I, or most others, imagined. Instead of getting wins against the Rams and Raiders, they got crushed. On the flip side, instead of rolling over and citing irreconcilable talent differences, they somehow defeated the Chargers and Bears, leading me to believe this team is about as emotionally stable as Christian Bale in a room of full of amateurs.
I'll be the first to tell you that most of our victories thus far (and for the rest of the season) are more attributable to the Hawks' opponents than anything, especially wins over division opponents. How disgustingly terrible is the 2010 edition of the NFC West? Well, bad enough that The Onion reported a story about the NFL sending volunteers to revive the division. You know you've made it big when The Onion takes a shot at you.
That said, there can be no doubt that Pete Carroll has brought enthusiasm to a once downtrodden Hawks squad, mostly by sharing his stock of hyper-6-year-old essence with the team. This mediocre team now faces a frightening possibility: they might host playoff game. Even more frightening, they might drink some more liquid courage (Felix Felicis for you Harry Potter fanatics) and actually win.

(Also, in Seahawks related news, I'm glad we picked up Marshawn Lynch, AKA the ugliest guy in the league.)

2. The Rangers Didn't Win the World Series
The Mariners had a rough year. You know, I know, everybody knows. They did not want their rival Rangers, led by Cliff Lee, to be the best team in the league. It would have been like Quentin Tarantino directing a Smurfs movie: you love Tarantino and his utter madness, but the Smurfs make you want to gouge your eyes out and eat them. We love Cliff Lee and his awesomeness, but not when he's with the dreaded Rangers.
Cliff, if you're reading this, please don't sign with the Yankees, because if you do I will cry. Hard.

3. King Felix Crowned by Cy Young
In a shocking turn of events, an East Coast establishment actually recognized a West Coast hero. After leading the MLB in every relevant statistical category, Felix Hernandez certainly earned his American League Cy Young award, although there were some doubters out there.
Some were upset, claiming that his win total (13 wins, 12 losses) was too low to be named top pitcher, claiming that C.C. Sabathia of the Yankees or David Price of the Rays, with their higher win totals, were more deserving. What they don't take into consideration is the fact that the offense behind Felix was about as intimidating as local gardener/Wisconsinite Ciscoe Morris.
Consider the fact that the Mariners' offense was the worst since the creation of the designated hitter. Not horrible enough for you? They scored 11 fewer runs than the 1994 California Angels, who played 47 fewer games in a strike shortened season. Winning 13 games with a historically bad offense at your back is nothing short of amazing, and it's nice to see the King get some recognition.

4. A Competent Sports Team Emerges From the Pacific Northwest
Let's face facts: the last few years have been tough for sports fans in this region. Fans in the North West haven't been able to place much, if any, confidence in their sports teams. That's about to change.
Say hello to your 2010-2011 Husky basketball team. These 12 guys might be a bit undersized, but they make up for every millimeter with swagger.
Led by Isaiah Thomas, Justin Holiday, and Matthew Bryan-Amaning, these Dawgs are in position to dance deep into March. They have depth unrivaled by any team in the nation and coach Lorenzo Romar is not afraid to use it. Like Romar teams of the past, they will turn games into track meets and run their opponents into the ground.

5. The Cowboys Tripped Over Their Spurs
Granted, this has nothing to do with our little corner of the country, but I really hate the Dallas Cowboys.

What We've Learned

After three intense weeks of NFL action, we can come to one definitive conclusion about the new-look 2010 Seattle Seahawks: We know nothing.

Against the San Francisco 49ers, fans saw a team that exuded confidence and energy on defense, making key defensive stops at every significant junction of the game. The offense show big-play ability, something that's been sorely lacking for some time in this corner of the country. The 'Hawks knocked off a team who most had predicted would win the NFC West and made a statement, showing that they were not the Seahawks of '08 and '09.

Then they flew to Denver. (I had planned on writing a post about that fiasco, but I found that nothing the 'Hawks did in that game warranted any kind of discussion.) Yeah, I don't really want to revisit that either. In essence, they forgot they could win once the 12th man didn't have their back. Apparently losing games is like riding a bike, because the Seahawks remembered very quickly how to lose a football game. Poor secondary play and a lousy (yet familiar) performance by Hasselbeck ultimately doomed the 'Hawks.

Sunday, they returned home and played a fantastic half of defensive football against the San Diego Chargers. Their performance was reminiscent of the San Francisco game, forcing turnovers left and right, looking the part of a division champion. 'Hawks fans everywhere watched, convinced that their team wasn't the lackluster squad that showed up in Denver.

Then there was the second half.

Suddenly, the 'Hawks stout defense was reduced to swiss cheese. The secondary that had been so good was brought to its knees by the surgical precision of Philip Rivers. In all fairness, the Chargers feature the top ranked offense in the NFL thusfar. Despite the ongoing holdout of start receiver Vincent Jackson, San Diego's offense is still full of weapons and they found their rhythm in the second half.

Thanks to several electrifying kick returns by Leon Washington, the Seahawks were able to hang on and win. But don't make the mistake of giving the 'Hawks credit for the win. Anyone who watched the second half knows that they were basically trying to hand the game to San Diego. The Chargers lost a game that was theirs to win.

To recap, the true identity of this Seahawk team remains an enigma. Every flash of potential on offense, defense, and special teams was met with an uninspiring performance down the line that led fans and analysts alike to doubt the legitimacy of the team. It's too early to proclaim the Seahawks champions of the NFC West, that is for certain. It's a team with an inconsistent quarterback, cornerbacks that are apt to get torched on any given Sunday, and a patchwork offensive line.

At the same time, it's too early to say the 'Hawks won't win their division. They have shown an insatiable desire to win, massive improvements along the defensive line, and new found explosiveness from the likes of Mike Williams and Golden Tate. Pete Carrol and his staff have provided something that fans here haven't had in far too long: hope. If they can foster some consistency, the Seahawks will be a force to be reckoned with once again.

Now let's hope they can deliver, because the better they play, the better we can all ignore the crushing futility of our beloved Mariners.

Impressions from Week 1

"Wow."

That's what came to mind during the Seahawks victory over the San Francisco 49ers. However, during the early minutes of the game, the word was used in a decidedly different manner.

The first offensive play of the season was a completion to Nate Clements. Now, as every fan knows, the 'Hawks have gone through a lot of personnel changes in recent weeks. In fact, the team has the fewest returning players of any team this season. That said, Nate Clements was wearing a 49ers jersey. Not exactly the ideal play to begin the "Win Forever" campaign. The defense came onto the field, featuring a revamped defensive line and an odd couple at safety with 15-year veteran Lawyer Milloy and rookie Earl Thomas. 

If you opened your window and listened at that moment, you probably would've heard a collective groan drifting through the atmosphere as 'Hawks fans were reminded of the woeful defense fielded last year, finishing 24th overall in yards yielded. Already, the cloud of negativity that had haunted the 'Hawks for the last two years was returning, gliding through the air to reclaim it's long-time residence at Qwest Field. 

At that moment, the team could've easily crumbled. They could have listened to the media, who had already appointed the 49ers as the heirs to the NFC West throne. They could have remembered that the organization is in rebuilding mode. They could have set a negative trend for the entire season. But they didn't.

By holding the 49ers to a field goal, the defense set the tone for the rest of the game. The offense took awhile longer to get into a groove, but they did not fail to impress once the wheels were in motion. Matt Hasselbeck, who had been kicked to the curb by some (ahem, me) played magnificently after the initial interception, completing 18 of 23 passes with two touchdowns. He even showed off some surprising athleticism running in another touchdown. The touchdown pass to Deon Branch was nothing short of perfection, bringing back memories of years past when Hasselbeck was among the top quarterbacks in the league and the 'Hawks were and offensive juggernaut. 

Keep in mind that the 49ers defense is no slouch. Any defense with Patrick Willis (AKA Ray Lewis West) is going to be difficult to crack. The 'Hawks offensive line, which was patched together in the last two weeks from players such as Stacy Andrews, Chester Pitts, and Tyler Polumbus, performed very well, allowing Hasselbeck to stay upright, a rare sight over the last couple seasons. The return of much heralded rookie Russel Okung should help in the coming weeks.

The receiving corps, which lost its top receiver from last season less than a week ago, stepped up, showing some explosiveness that certain players (Houshmanzadeh) lacked. Mike Williams, other than a few drops, looked like a dangerous weapon, showing the strength and speed that made him the 10th overall pick. Deon Branch, who had never really clicked with Hasselbeck, made several nice plays. Lastly, Deon Butler validated all the claims made about him being the most improved player in the offseason, making a nice touchdown catch.

Shifting to defense, the secondary looked revamped, despite the presence of many familiar faces. Kelly Jennings, who was pushed into a starting role after Josh Wilson was traded several weeks ago, looked much improved, making key tackles. Trufant, who never came close to resembling his All-Pro days last year, looked healthy and ready to regain his status as a shutdown corner. Earl Thomas also looked great, roaming all over the field and wreaking havoc.

The area of most improvement was in the front seven. The linebackers, led by a healthy Lofa Tatupu, looked much better than last year. Although Aaron Curry still made some boneheaded plays, he also used his amazing athleticism to cause pressure on Alex Smith. The defensive line, which was hardly recognizable because of all the new faces, made huge strides and was largely responsible for shutting down Frank Gore and getting key stops on 3rd and 4th down.

The 'Hawks were expected to lose with dignity and show signs of improvement, not knock off the trendy pick to win the division. It was an impressive win, but it will mean nothing if they don't keep improving. They're far from the most talented team in the league, but they showed Sunday that they have something no amount of talent can create: heart. This team, led by Pete Carroll, must never lose its resilient character if they have any hope of a winning season.

Incredibly Bold (Possibly Stupid) Predictions

Yes, I read a lot of Matthew Berry. There, I said it. Did I steal the idea for this column from him? It's possible. However, I'm only looking to emulate one-third of his formula. I'm going to take a pass on the redundant 1980's pop culture references and his bizarre, self-depreciating stories. What I will do, however, is make a list that will inevitably make me look like an ass in 4 months or so. Could I play it safe and keep my inclinations about the upcoming NFL season swirling around the dark abyss of my brain? Sure, but where's the fun in that? Plus, this way anyone that reads the blog will be able to easily make fun of me. (I'm still pretty sure I'm the only reader, so schizophrenia is likely in my future. Watching me taunt myself would provide endless hours of entertainment, so don't pretend you wouldn't watch.)

Developing mental diseases aside, the following is a list of bold (literally) predictions that I've come to after endless hours of reading training camp reports, trolling various NFL blogs, flipping through an ungodly amount of fantasy football player rankings, and playing a lot of Madden '11. 

1. The Seahawks Will Win the NFC West

That sound you hear is the minuscule amount of credibility I had flying out the window. If you read my last post about Matt Hasselbeck, you know how I feel about him. It might surprise you to know that I still think he's far and away the best quarterback in the NFC West. Granted, his competition is about as strong as the argument against the Ground-Zero Mosque (yeah, I went there). Derek Anderson, Alex Smith, and Sam Bradford are probably the worst starting QBs in the league, so I'm not about to break into song about Matt Hasselbeck. However, the presence of a veteran quarterback cannot be understated in a division as weak as the NFC West. 

The trendy pick to win the division this year is San Francisco. While it's true that they have compiled some impressive players in the Bay, I'm not sold on them. First, as previously mentioned, Alex Smith is just not very good. Given the aerial nature of the league today, a successful NFL team in 2010 begins with a good, accurate QB. Seeing as none of the four teams in the West have that, Hasselbeck appears to be the closest to being decent. With the infusion of energy and moxie brought in by Pete Carrol, I expect the Seahawks to surprise people and finish with a 7-9 record. If my previous statements hadn't been clear enough, that last sentence should make it perfectly obvious that the NFC West is a joke. Yes, a 7-9 record will be more than enough to win the division.

2. Frank Gore Will Get Injured

Wait, that's not bold at all.

3. Brett Favre Will Suck

I like Brett Favre. He's a gutsy, old-school quarterback that can't let go of his passion for the game, even as a grandpa. That said, I just can't see him regaining last year's form, when he threw 33 touchdowns and only 7 interceptions. All athletes reach a point where the wheels fall off and this will be it for Favre. Expect 23 touchdowns and 18 interceptions (not a terrible season, but a definite decline for him). Sidney Rice, his top receiver, is out for at least six games. The much-touted offensive line is a shell of what it once was and their inability to protect Favre in the passing game was made abundantly clear in the NFC Championship last year.

4. Nicholas Cage Will Make at Least 3 More Terrible Movies This Year

Nicholas Cage's Agent-  "Hey Nick, would you like to be the star of an hour-and-a-half adaptation of a 30 second scene from Fantasia?"

Nicholas Cage-  "Of course! I'm working really hard to dispel the myth that I can make great movies and this fits the bill perfectly!"

5. Mike Williams Won't Do Anything

We've all heard this story before: former high-round draft pick is in the best shape of his life and is looking to shed the "bust" label. Mike Williams, the former USC star, has consistently impressed throughout the preseason for the Hawks. He's big, strong, and fast. Pete Carrol may be able to sell ice to an Eskimo, but I'm not buying this. Haven't we all seen this play out a hundred times? The guy just doesn't have "it". I don't know what "it" is or I'd be playing in the NFL instead of writing an amateur blog, but I know that this guy had his chances.

6. The New York Jets Will Lose 9 Games

Is there a more annoying team in the league? They completely dominate the headlines and watching their offense is like watching paint dry. 

1st Down- Run up the middle, gain of 2

2nd Down-Run up the middle, gain of 3

3rd Down- Pass!!! No, nevermind, just a draw run

Also, Rex Ryan really bothers me. This offseason he had a bet going with some of his players to see who could lose the most weight. The players went to the weight room, Ryan went to the surgeon. There's a man of integrity. (Plus he took a shot at Tony Dungy, AKA the nicest person in the world. That's like punching your grandpa.)

7. Justin Bieber Will Become a Vampire

This is less of a prediction and more of a fact. There's no doubt in my mind that this is the end result of our society's current fixations fusing together to create some awful pop-vamp-trash

8. Ray Rice Will Lead the League in Rushing

I'm a little biased on this one because Ray Rice happens to be on my fantasy football team. However, I firmly believe that he will be the best running back in the league this year. Joe Flacco will ascend to the elite level he has shown flashes of during his first two years in the league and the increasingly balanced offense will benefit Rice.

9. I Will Write Another 20 Lists Before the End of the Year

Because it's a major crutch and challenging myself would just be ludicrous.

10. The Baltimore Ravens Will Defeat the Green Bay Packers in the Superbowl

The Ravens, despite injuries on the defensive side, will be a dominant team all year, showing a newfound balance on offense while retaining the fearsome defensive front seven that has been their trademark for so long. The Packers, behind rising star Aaron Rodgers, will go 13-3 and coast through the weak NFC.

11. Everything on This List Will Have Be Proven Wrong by Week 6

Every year my dad asks me who will win the Superbowl so he can pick the opposite. In addition, I have failed to have a winning record in my fantasy football league over the last four years. That effectively sums up the overall success of my sport predictions.

The Root of All Mediocrity

I'm going to describe to you a starting quarterback in the NFL. (Given the nature of this blog, I'd be surprised and/or disappointed if you didn't know who I was talking about immediately, but play along.) Let me preface this by saying I have nothing against the man personally and I hope one day we can settle our differences honorably, whether through discussion or a Ninja Dragon-style martial arts duel. (Ninja Dragon Duel)

Let's begin with the basics. He's 34, soon to be 35. He's missed 15 games in the last four years due to back and rib injuries and he's generally considered to be about as tough as a wet carrot. In 2008, despite his advancing age, he threw only ten interceptions. However, the key statistic from that year is the amount of games he played in. Here's a subtle hint: less than eight and more than six. Ten interceptions in seven games. If you're reading this thinking, "Wow, this sounds like the balding quarterback of a 4-12 team from the Pacific Northwest", stop it. We haven't arrived at the big reveal yet.

What's that you say? You want more stats? Well, lucky for you I know all these wonderful numbers off the top of my head (nfl.com). In the last three years, his average passer rating is 74.3, which is decidedly below average for a professional quarterback. He ran a 5 second 40 yard dash....when he was 22. Analysts (me) estimate that his speed has diminished to the point that Stephen Hawking is likely to beat him in a footrace. He's based his career on being accurate, yet his accuracy over the past four years is below 60%.

In some bizarre world where pigs fly and Steven Seagal doesn't kick ass, starting (spoiler!)Matt Hasselbeck would be a perfectly reasonable starting quarterback on a winning team. However, in real life starting an aging quarterback with the arm strength of Lindsay Lohan and the accuracy of Dick Cheney isn't the best path to success.

The bottom line is that the Seahawks will never bear any resemblance to a good team until they obtain their own franchise quarterback. Ruling the air (don't sue me Verizon, I'm only worth about $20) has become the staple of the modern day NFL. In years past, teams could win a Super Bowl with sub par quarterbacks like Trent Dilfer. Those days are over. New general manager John Schneider must bring in a franchise quarterback to stick around for a decade. (In case your wondering, Charlie Whitehurst is not the answer, despite his stunning resemblance to a certain prophet.)

Now, I'd sound an awful lot like a politician if I just complained about a situation without proposing a feasible plan to fix it. Being the responsible person that I am, I just can't allow that. Here's my plan: Lose every game. If we're going to be a mediocre team, why not just go for the gusto and be the worst? If you're going to be bad at something, why not be historically, famously bad? Plus, the light at the end of tunnel goes by the name of Jake Locker. A young, mobile quarterback with a rocket arm would be a welcome addition and a much needed foundation for a team searching for its identity.

(Also, I couldn't write a piece about Hasselbeck without mentioning that his brother is married to Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the Wicked Witch of the View. She's like the human version of Ann Coulter, who is, in fact, a talking freezer.)

Legion of Doom Meeting

5 Reasons the Seahawks Won't Suck

1. Tim Ruskell is Gone

Yes, many of his failed draft picks are still around (I'm looking at you Chris Spencer!) and the receiver formerly known as Deon Branch is still in town. That said, Pete Carrol's new regime has effectively purged the roster from last year. According to seahawks.com, the 'Hawks have made 122 roster moves this off-season, by far the most in the NFL. It seems that many of the starters during the last two years are gone and the holes have been filled with young, unproven players(Walter Jones/Russell Okung!). However, seeing as those departed veterans won a combined 9 games in the last two years, you won't see me shedding any tears over their loss.

2. We've Got Jesus

I heard an interview with Matt Hasselbeck earlier this year with him describing a recent family dinner with newly acquired QB Charlie Whitehurst. For whatever reason, the family didn't say grace before that meal, leading to a revelation by Hasselbeck's 8 year old daughter, who told her dad that they didn't need to say grace because Jesus was at the table. This kind of mistaken identity probably doesn't happen as much in other religions (hey, who's that golden guy with 6 arms sitting by dad?).
Now, in all fairness, Jesus is fairly inexperienced in the NFL. He's been around for four seasons, but he's never thrown a pass in the regular season. Did I mention the Seahawks are paying him $4 million this year? Well, at least he can heal Matt Hassel-ouch-my-back when he inevitably gets hurt again. Now, if only we'd had him around when Ken Hamlin got smashed in the face with a stop sign...(You forgot about that, huh? How many people do you know that have been beaten someone with or been hit with a stop sign? Why isn't this discussed more!?)

3. Golden Tate Had Sticky Hands Before He Stole that Donut

Rookie receiver and amateur pastry thief Golden Tate is really good. In two years as a starter at Notre Dame, he racked up over 2,700 yards and 26 touchdowns. Sure, some of his success came against mediocre college teams, (like UW--9 catches, 244 yards. Ouch!) but he also came up big against NFL caliber athletes, torching USC with 8 catches for 117 yards and 2 touchdowns. He's not big (5'11") but he's certainly got the speed, having run a 4.36 at the NFL Combine. He catches the ball well away from his body using strong hands, something of an anti-Seahawk trait (Darrel Jackson anybody?). Winning the starting role shouldn't be too difficult, as he only has to beat out the Deon's, Branch and Butler. If all goes well, we could be looking at Percy Harvin West (minus crippling migraines).

4. The Jazz Man Has Arrived

Meet your new starting safety: he's 5'10", he went to the University of Texas, and he plays the tenor saxophone. Earl Thomas, the 14th pick in the this year's draft, was considered by many scouts to be the top safety coming out of college. He had eight interceptions last year and coaches rave about his ability to roam the field. He's been called the most "instinctual" defensive back to come along in quite a while, drawing comparisons to terrorizing, game-changing forces like Ed Reed. After several years of Deon Grant and Brian Russel at safety, new blood at the position is an encouraging sign for the defense. Now, notice I called him "The Jazz Man", due to his mastery of the saxophone. I've not seen this nickname given to him anywhere else, so I'm starting it right now. If you're reading this(who am I kidding, nobody's reading this!), you have an obligation to spread this nickname until it sticks. I have tried ventures like this in the past, and I must confess they've failed miserably (see Milton Bradley is an Evil Wizard). However, with your help we can make this happen! I'll consider it a success when I hear Steve Raible uttering the words "The Jazz Man is sure playing some sweet chin music today!" So if anybody know's Raible, that would really help my cause.

5. They Play in the Pee-Wee Division of the NFL

The 'Hawks get to play the Rams twice every year. This is a blessing that we sometimes take for granted. But this year, the Rams aren't the only cupcake on the schedule. The Hawks schedule includes games against the Chiefs, Raiders, Buccaneers, and Broncos. I might be overly cocky, but I look at their schedule and see 6 easy wins. Assuming they can steal a couple more W's, that puts them at 8 wins, which will probably be good enough to win the NFC West. Okay, so relying on the mediocrity of others isn't exactly awe-inspiring, but we've got to take whatever small comforts we can! I mean, I could barely come up with 5 reasons why the 'Hawks won't be terrible. (In case you're wondering, having Matt Hasselbeck at QB is the baseball metric equivalent of -4.0 WAR--if you aren't a stat geek like me, it means he sucks.)

The Bottom Line: I don't expect great things from the 2010 Seattle Seahawks and neither should you. I do expect a team that's interesting to watch and a team that fights hard until the bitter end. If they can win 6 or 7 games and show signs of improvement, 2010 will have been a success. On the other hand, I wouldn't be heartbroken if they landed the first pick in next year's draft. Apparently there's some guy named Locker who's supposed to be pretty good...

Let Down by a Legend

Fiume/Getty

Ken Griffey Jr. will be remembered as the greatest player of his era, and deservedly so. He retired as the fifth most prolific slugger of all time, walking away from the game with 630 home runs. With his statistical dominance, he insured that his name would forever be connected with the all-time greats.

But Mariner fans know that's not all he did. Without the infusion of talent and character that Griffey brought to town, the future of baseball in Seattle would have been in doubt. He, along with other Mariner legends like Jay Buehner and Edgar Martinez, spawned a new generation of baseball fans throughout the state of Washington. Most importantly, he didn't cheat. His name has never been connected to performance enhancing drugs, freeing him of the dark cloud currently hovering over baseball. In a perfect world, he would decline slowly and gracefully.

Unfortunately, Jr.'s bat was just too slow; his abilities too diminished. It was clear that his career was on its last legs. And yet, his downfall somehow led to the demise of manager Don Wakamatsu.

Reports from the clubhouse indicate that the players' loyalty to Wak left with, and because of, Griffey. When the story emerged that Jr. had been sleeping in the clubhouse, the message should have been clear: that a once-dominant superstar was merely a shell of his former self, tired from 20 years of MLB service. There's no shame in decline due to age. It's standard fare for professional sports.

Instead, the incident created a divisive, bickering clubhouse that never came close to reconciling. According to reports, Griffey blamed Wak for the leak about his napping and he made sure to spread his discontent around the clubhouse. The other players were quick to take Griffey's side. After all, who is going to disagree with an all-time great? They felt that a player of Griffey's stature should go out on his own terms.

As the season progressed and it became obvious that Griffey had no business hitting regularly, Wak tried other options to give life to the dreadful offense. Jr.'s pride, however, disagreed. Instead of staying with the team as a PR stunt and celebratory relic, he retired. However, this was not the retirement of the Kid. This was the retirement of the Curmudgeon. It was not a fitting end for a player that had long been known for his playful, friendly spirit. Instead, he was just gone one day, leaving a seething, passive-aggressive statement in his wake. At first glance, it seemed friendly enough, albeit sad. However, a closer reading revealed an angry break-up letter from a player who refused to admit his skills were diminished.

After the departure, the Mariners' season quickly went from bad to worse. The clubhouse, which had once been known for unity and a frat-like brotherhood, was now downright venomous. On pace for another 100 loss season, someone had to pay. Wakamatsu, who just a year ago was seen as the savior of the franchise and a breath of fresh air, was now seen as the problem. Players didn't respect him and the team was losing. The remnants of Griffey's discontent grew like weeds until the the team was engulfed in bitterness. Even in retirement, Jr.'s anger has not faded. Earlier reports indicated that Griffey had claimed he would not return to Safeco Field while Wakamatsu was there, claiming that he was not treated like a player of his caliber should have been.

I won't claim that Wak was having his best year, but he deserved more time to rebuild a shattered clubhouse. He was handed a flawed roster from the very beginning, with three one-dimensional players (Bradley, Griffey, and Sweeney) and a group of pathetically incompetent hitters (Jack Wilson, Johnson, Kotchman). To put the nail in his coffin, the remaining players had the worst stats of their career, with Figgins hitting a hundred points below his career average. The lack of talent alone would have been a problem, but Griffey made it significantly worse. Instead of providing the veteran presence that he had in 2009, Jr. was a divisive force, unable to accept his demise. Instead of living up to his soon-to-be legend, Ken Griffey Jr. showed a selfish, angry side and sabotaged the career of an up-and-coming manager for pride.

Because Misery Needs Company

Pete Lidell/ Seattle Times

One. In the 43-year history of professional sports in Seattle, we have exactly one championship, stemming from the 1979 Seattle SuperSonics. In that time, the New York Yankees alone have laid claim to seven World Series and the Los Angeles Lakers have won eleven NBA Championships. To be fair, these are, of course, the royal franchises of our nation and to compare our lovable losers to these diamond crusted juggernauts is simply not fair.

However, even when compared with an average city, we in Seattle suffer. Every year we convince ourselves that various off-season moves will finally put our team over the top and bring some pathetic measure of glory to our city. We've always just "one player away". As you've no doubt been subject to by now, Seattle is the ultimate master of bad off-season moves, from Chone Figgins this winter to the Sonics actually going so far as skipping town. Talk about a disappointing season (or lack of). Our teams actually seem to build our hopes up higher and higher, continually building on the heaps of broken hopes past, only to fall further than ever. For example, the 2001 Mariners. 116 regular season victories, tied for the most in the esteemed history of Major League Baseball. Then they lost to the Yankees in the ALCS. Not depressed enough yet? Would you enjoy another punch in the gut? Granted. A brief walk down memory lane leads us to the 2005 Seattle Seahawks, who enjoyed a 13-3 record. As you'll remember, they managed something the Mariners could not: post-season success. The franchise made it to Superbowl XL, only to be defeated by referees. Bill Leavy just apologized, did you hear? Am I still mad about it? Wait...Wait...Wait...Yeah, still pissed.


So why do we find ourselves drawn to these miserable excuses for professional sports franchises? Because misery needs company (there it is). Because we can't help not to pull for these losers in our backyard. Even though the Bill Bavasi's and the Tim Ruskell's of the world continue to haunt us, we persevere. We live in a place where the weather is nearly intolerable nine months of the year. You won't hear Seattle mentioned without some kind of joke about the weather. But those of us who live here know that when the sun does come out, Seattle is one of the most beautiful places around. The same applies for our sports. Yeah, the Mariners suck and they will probably endure another 100 loss season (maybe a few). Yeah, the Seahawks will probably lose ten games or so. And yeah, the Oklahoma City Thunder will probably contend for an NBA Championship. To summarize, we suck. But we won't always suck.....right?


I don't really know what my intentions for this blog are. I'm not even sure if anyone will read it. I'm not, by any means, an expert, just a college kid with a computer. However, if you're looking for a disgruntled fans version of sports news here in Seattle, I'll gladly oblige.