Let's begin with the basics. He's 34, soon to be 35. He's missed 15 games in the last four years due to back and rib injuries and he's generally considered to be about as tough as a wet carrot. In 2008, despite his advancing age, he threw only ten interceptions. However, the key statistic from that year is the amount of games he played in. Here's a subtle hint: less than eight and more than six. Ten interceptions in seven games. If you're reading this thinking, "Wow, this sounds like the balding quarterback of a 4-12 team from the Pacific Northwest", stop it. We haven't arrived at the big reveal yet.
What's that you say? You want more stats? Well, lucky for you I know all these wonderful numbers off the top of my head (nfl.com). In the last three years, his average passer rating is 74.3, which is decidedly below average for a professional quarterback. He ran a 5 second 40 yard dash....when he was 22. Analysts (me) estimate that his speed has diminished to the point that Stephen Hawking is likely to beat him in a footrace. He's based his career on being accurate, yet his accuracy over the past four years is below 60%.
In some bizarre world where pigs fly and Steven Seagal doesn't kick ass, starting (spoiler!)Matt Hasselbeck would be a perfectly reasonable starting quarterback on a winning team. However, in real life starting an aging quarterback with the arm strength of Lindsay Lohan and the accuracy of Dick Cheney isn't the best path to success.
The bottom line is that the Seahawks will never bear any resemblance to a good team until they obtain their own franchise quarterback. Ruling the air (don't sue me Verizon, I'm only worth about $20) has become the staple of the modern day NFL. In years past, teams could win a Super Bowl with sub par quarterbacks like Trent Dilfer. Those days are over. New general manager John Schneider must bring in a franchise quarterback to stick around for a decade. (In case your wondering, Charlie Whitehurst is not the answer, despite his stunning resemblance to a certain prophet.)
Now, I'd sound an awful lot like a politician if I just complained about a situation without proposing a feasible plan to fix it. Being the responsible person that I am, I just can't allow that. Here's my plan: Lose every game. If we're going to be a mediocre team, why not just go for the gusto and be the worst? If you're going to be bad at something, why not be historically, famously bad? Plus, the light at the end of tunnel goes by the name of Jake Locker. A young, mobile quarterback with a rocket arm would be a welcome addition and a much needed foundation for a team searching for its identity.
(Also, I couldn't write a piece about Hasselbeck without mentioning that his brother is married to Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the Wicked Witch of the View. She's like the human version of Ann Coulter, who is, in fact, a talking freezer.)
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LMFAO!
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