My Triumphant Return

Yes, the rumors are true, I have begun writing my autobiography titled The Most Interesting Man in the World. In it, I'll discuss my titillating, terrifying tales of white, middle-class suburban life and chronicle my struggles with caffeine addiction and over-usage of, ironically enough, commas. I've also created a special section at the end that can only be decoded using a Pokedex.
I've been gone these past few months, contemplating my existence, paying to learn writing techniques that I've already mastered, and discussing the merits of fine cheeses and chicken pot pies with sailors. Suffice to say, I traveled to dark recesses of my mind and came back stronger.
Well, by now you've surely had enough of my egotistical rant, so let's not waste any more time. Here are the awesome happenings in the world of sport that have transpired since I last graced the internet with my satire.

1. First Place Seahawks
As I boldly predicted several months ago, the Seahawks are currently leading the NFC West with 5 wins and 4 losses. That said, they've not accomplished it in the way that I, or most others, imagined. Instead of getting wins against the Rams and Raiders, they got crushed. On the flip side, instead of rolling over and citing irreconcilable talent differences, they somehow defeated the Chargers and Bears, leading me to believe this team is about as emotionally stable as Christian Bale in a room of full of amateurs.
I'll be the first to tell you that most of our victories thus far (and for the rest of the season) are more attributable to the Hawks' opponents than anything, especially wins over division opponents. How disgustingly terrible is the 2010 edition of the NFC West? Well, bad enough that The Onion reported a story about the NFL sending volunteers to revive the division. You know you've made it big when The Onion takes a shot at you.
That said, there can be no doubt that Pete Carroll has brought enthusiasm to a once downtrodden Hawks squad, mostly by sharing his stock of hyper-6-year-old essence with the team. This mediocre team now faces a frightening possibility: they might host playoff game. Even more frightening, they might drink some more liquid courage (Felix Felicis for you Harry Potter fanatics) and actually win.

(Also, in Seahawks related news, I'm glad we picked up Marshawn Lynch, AKA the ugliest guy in the league.)

2. The Rangers Didn't Win the World Series
The Mariners had a rough year. You know, I know, everybody knows. They did not want their rival Rangers, led by Cliff Lee, to be the best team in the league. It would have been like Quentin Tarantino directing a Smurfs movie: you love Tarantino and his utter madness, but the Smurfs make you want to gouge your eyes out and eat them. We love Cliff Lee and his awesomeness, but not when he's with the dreaded Rangers.
Cliff, if you're reading this, please don't sign with the Yankees, because if you do I will cry. Hard.

3. King Felix Crowned by Cy Young
In a shocking turn of events, an East Coast establishment actually recognized a West Coast hero. After leading the MLB in every relevant statistical category, Felix Hernandez certainly earned his American League Cy Young award, although there were some doubters out there.
Some were upset, claiming that his win total (13 wins, 12 losses) was too low to be named top pitcher, claiming that C.C. Sabathia of the Yankees or David Price of the Rays, with their higher win totals, were more deserving. What they don't take into consideration is the fact that the offense behind Felix was about as intimidating as local gardener/Wisconsinite Ciscoe Morris.
Consider the fact that the Mariners' offense was the worst since the creation of the designated hitter. Not horrible enough for you? They scored 11 fewer runs than the 1994 California Angels, who played 47 fewer games in a strike shortened season. Winning 13 games with a historically bad offense at your back is nothing short of amazing, and it's nice to see the King get some recognition.

4. A Competent Sports Team Emerges From the Pacific Northwest
Let's face facts: the last few years have been tough for sports fans in this region. Fans in the North West haven't been able to place much, if any, confidence in their sports teams. That's about to change.
Say hello to your 2010-2011 Husky basketball team. These 12 guys might be a bit undersized, but they make up for every millimeter with swagger.
Led by Isaiah Thomas, Justin Holiday, and Matthew Bryan-Amaning, these Dawgs are in position to dance deep into March. They have depth unrivaled by any team in the nation and coach Lorenzo Romar is not afraid to use it. Like Romar teams of the past, they will turn games into track meets and run their opponents into the ground.

5. The Cowboys Tripped Over Their Spurs
Granted, this has nothing to do with our little corner of the country, but I really hate the Dallas Cowboys.