Sidney Rice, Bacon, and Your 2011 Seattle Seahawks

Later tonight, the Seahawks will take the field for the first time since the unceremonious dismissal of longtime quarterback and face of the franchise, Matt Hasselbeck, in a situation that is at best hilarious and at worst…well frankly, I see no downside to this. But more on that later.

No matter what your opinion of Hasselbeck and his lack of mobility, (or his diminished accuracy, his increasing fragility, or the ongoing/decade-long abduction of his hair) Tarvaris Jackson will take the helm of Paul Allen’s most expensive toy at 5 p.m. in front of the saucer-sized eyes of a football-starved nation. The actual game is just like the points on Whose Line is it Anyway?: it doesn’t matter (on a side-note, yes I just dropped a WLIIA reference, what of it?). After all, the starters will see fairly limited action and despite the national coverage from ESPN, it’s still just the first preseason game of the season.

So what, you ask, should I, the viewer, expect from the new-look ‘Hawks? Well unfortunately for you I’m a broke college student with no credentials to make such a prediction, unlike the national pundits who have so much experience playing professional football, like John Clayton, Adam Schefter, and Chris Mortensen (if ESPN doesn’t consume your life you might not understand this, but rest assured that the rest of us are pointing and laughing at your sports-media ineptitude). But for a second, let’s assume that I’m not merely a fan, but instead a mega-analyst doing a spot on ESPN with a really flashy suit on and a case of books I haven’t read behind me (again, pointing and laughing). What would this alternate dimension version of me tell you?

 First, we’ve got some really shiny new guns on offense, and I’ve somehow stopped creepily salivating long enough to write a paragraph about it. Despite only one year of serious production, Sidney Rice is a legitimate Pro-Bowl caliber receiver. He won’t be blowing by the faster defensive backs, but he will use his 6’4” frame to physically dominate them and use his strong hands to make circus catches. In fact, think Larry Fitzgerald, but slower and with better-groomed dreadlocks. With the addition of Rice, Big Mike Williams’ production should also improve, as he no longer has to try to blow by the opposing teams’ top cornerback using his fat-guy speed (unfortunately for him the turbo button was removed from Madden). In addition, Golden “That’s-My-Goddamn-Donut” Tate is set to be the slot receiver, or as you may better know it, the “Bobby Engram” position. This is a position that he is well-suited for and I suspect he has a ceiling somewhere slightly below Percy Harvin and slightly above Jerricho Cotchery.

In other words, Sidney Rice is bacon: he makes everything he touches better (wait, was that bacon or Jesus? Maybe both…)

Also bringing his talents to The Clink (CenturyLink Field, but The Clink sounds exponentially more intimidating. And no, it was not my idea) is Zach Miller, the Pro-Bowl tight end who somehow escaped the liver-spotted hands of Al Davis in Oakland. Adding another young, physically imposing receiving threat can only help the offense improve.

Second, the offensive line, which has been much maligned since the departure of all-time great/tank Walter Jones, boasts an entirely new look and is under the leadership of a man who once broke the jaw of a subordinate for questioning his authority. Tom Cable’s status as resident badass has already been certified, and he brought some 300 pounds of attitude with him in left guard Robert Gallery. The two of them, combined with rookies James Carpenter and John Moffitt, bring much needed fresh blood to a position of weakness. Gallery, Carpenter, and Moffitt join incumbent starters Russell Okung and Max Unger. Together, this group has the potential to be the group of physical, intimidating blockers that the fan base has clamored for since the good old days of 2005.

On the defensive side of the ball, most of the starters are returning, with the huge exception being Lofa Tatupu (or should it be undersized exception? He never was quite big enough). After being told that he was no longer worth $4 million a year, mostly because he possessed the speed of a stoned snail at the end of the season, he abruptly began looking for new suitors. Of course, we found out after the season that he needed surgeries on both knees. For being a seventh year player, he’s got some real mileage on those legs. His departure means several things: 1. With his and Hasselbeck’s dismissals, 99% of Seahawks jerseys are now worthless and 2. David “The Heater” Hawthorne is going to need to step up in a big way. Physically, undrafted fourth year player Hawthorne had already surpassed Tatupu. But, playing middle linebacker requires shifting the defense around constantly, positioning the rest of your team to stop a given play. Tatupu, for all of his physical ailments, was truly a master of that. After testing the free agent waters for several weeks, Tatupu has yet to find a new home. I’d like to bring him back, but on one condition: if he ends up suffering another knee injury that slows him, we get to put him in a turbocharged Amigo scooter and send him back on the field. You know you’d watch that.

Also worth noting on defense is that longtime Seahawk cornerback Marcus Trufant has grown a third arm and he still cannot catch errant passes. OK, so maybe that hasn’t actually happened, but Trufant is another player to watch this year. After beginning last season on the disabled list, he never really flashed the Pro-Bowl form that he was formerly known for. As a result, the Seahawks pass defense enraged fans everywhere all year. How many third-and-longs did the ‘Hawks have converted on them last year? After hours of research (read: none) I estimate that number to be about 350 million times. If he, along with Walter Thurmond, a rookie who impressed last year, can ramp up the coverage, the Hawks may be able to win more than six games this year (last year’s victory against the Chargers doesn’t count, Leon Washington got that one by himself).

If you’re reading this and you have a brain, you probably know the last aspect of the team worth watching from the get-go. However, if three years of honing my writing skills in college has taught me anything, it’s that closing with the strongest argument is a powerful method of getting into your readers’ minds (not that that’s anyplace I’d particularly like to be).

Without further delay, as beneficial as that may be to my cause of brainwashing you, I present to you: Tarvaris Jackson. Jackson is the quarterback now, and his previous five years in the league have been more underwhelming than new, Mark Wahlberg-less Planet of the Apes. Why would coach Pete Carroll and general manager John Schneider think that this year would be any different? Darrell Bevell, Jackson’s offensive coordinator from Minnesota, played a large part in convincing the bosses that Jackson could be a legitimate starting quarterback, despite serious accuracy issues and concerns about his mental make-up.

What he does have, however, is a strong arm, good mobility, and a quick throwing motion. If he can become even a moderately more accurate QB, the Seahawks offense will be much improved this year.

Despite all the nostalgic disappointment over the departure of Matt Hasselbeck, let’s not forget the production, or lack thereof, that he has provided over the last several years. For the last three seasons, he boasted a QB rating of 75 or lower, which is really bad in case you aren’t familiar with the stat. In fact, Hasselbeck has had more interceptions than touchdowns since 2007 and he has missed 14 games over the past three years. Granted, he did some good things during his time in Seattle, leading the team to the Super Bowl and transforming a perennial loser into an annual contender. But he’ll also turn 36 in a few months, and he’s not getting any more durable.

We in the Northwest have a problem: we’re all hoarders, if not with possessions or rotting fruit, then with sports stars. We are a nostalgic bunch and instead of optimizing a team for rebuilding, we cling to the remnants of past glory because we fear that we won’t see it again given the dismal history of our sports franchises. Hasselbeck isn’t the first example of this. Consider the Ken Griffey Jr. fiasco of last year. The Mariners brought back a player who had no business being a part of that team simply for sentimental value to the fans. Hasselbeck, while he may still have something to offer, does not belong on this team any longer. In the past two seasons, the Hawks have become significantly younger, cutting ties with nearly everyone involved with the 2005 season. A 36-year-old quarterback at the end of his career is not going to help the development of the team at this point.

I’m not suggesting Tarvaris Jackson is the answer, but why not take a shot on him? The Seahawks have positioned themselves perfectly for the future. After failing to see any quarterbacks they really liked this offseason, whether through trade or the draft, they instead built up the other aspects of the team and positioned themselves to go after a quarterback next offseason if Tarvaris really is as terrible as he’s looked the past few years.

Say what you will about the departure of two all-time great Seahawk players, but I’m excited about the moves that Carroll and Schneider have made to make this team competitive for the long haul.