Incredibly Bold (Possibly Stupid) Predictions

Yes, I read a lot of Matthew Berry. There, I said it. Did I steal the idea for this column from him? It's possible. However, I'm only looking to emulate one-third of his formula. I'm going to take a pass on the redundant 1980's pop culture references and his bizarre, self-depreciating stories. What I will do, however, is make a list that will inevitably make me look like an ass in 4 months or so. Could I play it safe and keep my inclinations about the upcoming NFL season swirling around the dark abyss of my brain? Sure, but where's the fun in that? Plus, this way anyone that reads the blog will be able to easily make fun of me. (I'm still pretty sure I'm the only reader, so schizophrenia is likely in my future. Watching me taunt myself would provide endless hours of entertainment, so don't pretend you wouldn't watch.)

Developing mental diseases aside, the following is a list of bold (literally) predictions that I've come to after endless hours of reading training camp reports, trolling various NFL blogs, flipping through an ungodly amount of fantasy football player rankings, and playing a lot of Madden '11. 

1. The Seahawks Will Win the NFC West

That sound you hear is the minuscule amount of credibility I had flying out the window. If you read my last post about Matt Hasselbeck, you know how I feel about him. It might surprise you to know that I still think he's far and away the best quarterback in the NFC West. Granted, his competition is about as strong as the argument against the Ground-Zero Mosque (yeah, I went there). Derek Anderson, Alex Smith, and Sam Bradford are probably the worst starting QBs in the league, so I'm not about to break into song about Matt Hasselbeck. However, the presence of a veteran quarterback cannot be understated in a division as weak as the NFC West. 

The trendy pick to win the division this year is San Francisco. While it's true that they have compiled some impressive players in the Bay, I'm not sold on them. First, as previously mentioned, Alex Smith is just not very good. Given the aerial nature of the league today, a successful NFL team in 2010 begins with a good, accurate QB. Seeing as none of the four teams in the West have that, Hasselbeck appears to be the closest to being decent. With the infusion of energy and moxie brought in by Pete Carrol, I expect the Seahawks to surprise people and finish with a 7-9 record. If my previous statements hadn't been clear enough, that last sentence should make it perfectly obvious that the NFC West is a joke. Yes, a 7-9 record will be more than enough to win the division.

2. Frank Gore Will Get Injured

Wait, that's not bold at all.

3. Brett Favre Will Suck

I like Brett Favre. He's a gutsy, old-school quarterback that can't let go of his passion for the game, even as a grandpa. That said, I just can't see him regaining last year's form, when he threw 33 touchdowns and only 7 interceptions. All athletes reach a point where the wheels fall off and this will be it for Favre. Expect 23 touchdowns and 18 interceptions (not a terrible season, but a definite decline for him). Sidney Rice, his top receiver, is out for at least six games. The much-touted offensive line is a shell of what it once was and their inability to protect Favre in the passing game was made abundantly clear in the NFC Championship last year.

4. Nicholas Cage Will Make at Least 3 More Terrible Movies This Year

Nicholas Cage's Agent-  "Hey Nick, would you like to be the star of an hour-and-a-half adaptation of a 30 second scene from Fantasia?"

Nicholas Cage-  "Of course! I'm working really hard to dispel the myth that I can make great movies and this fits the bill perfectly!"

5. Mike Williams Won't Do Anything

We've all heard this story before: former high-round draft pick is in the best shape of his life and is looking to shed the "bust" label. Mike Williams, the former USC star, has consistently impressed throughout the preseason for the Hawks. He's big, strong, and fast. Pete Carrol may be able to sell ice to an Eskimo, but I'm not buying this. Haven't we all seen this play out a hundred times? The guy just doesn't have "it". I don't know what "it" is or I'd be playing in the NFL instead of writing an amateur blog, but I know that this guy had his chances.

6. The New York Jets Will Lose 9 Games

Is there a more annoying team in the league? They completely dominate the headlines and watching their offense is like watching paint dry. 

1st Down- Run up the middle, gain of 2

2nd Down-Run up the middle, gain of 3

3rd Down- Pass!!! No, nevermind, just a draw run

Also, Rex Ryan really bothers me. This offseason he had a bet going with some of his players to see who could lose the most weight. The players went to the weight room, Ryan went to the surgeon. There's a man of integrity. (Plus he took a shot at Tony Dungy, AKA the nicest person in the world. That's like punching your grandpa.)

7. Justin Bieber Will Become a Vampire

This is less of a prediction and more of a fact. There's no doubt in my mind that this is the end result of our society's current fixations fusing together to create some awful pop-vamp-trash

8. Ray Rice Will Lead the League in Rushing

I'm a little biased on this one because Ray Rice happens to be on my fantasy football team. However, I firmly believe that he will be the best running back in the league this year. Joe Flacco will ascend to the elite level he has shown flashes of during his first two years in the league and the increasingly balanced offense will benefit Rice.

9. I Will Write Another 20 Lists Before the End of the Year

Because it's a major crutch and challenging myself would just be ludicrous.

10. The Baltimore Ravens Will Defeat the Green Bay Packers in the Superbowl

The Ravens, despite injuries on the defensive side, will be a dominant team all year, showing a newfound balance on offense while retaining the fearsome defensive front seven that has been their trademark for so long. The Packers, behind rising star Aaron Rodgers, will go 13-3 and coast through the weak NFC.

11. Everything on This List Will Have Be Proven Wrong by Week 6

Every year my dad asks me who will win the Superbowl so he can pick the opposite. In addition, I have failed to have a winning record in my fantasy football league over the last four years. That effectively sums up the overall success of my sport predictions.