5 Reasons the Seahawks Won't Suck

1. Tim Ruskell is Gone

Yes, many of his failed draft picks are still around (I'm looking at you Chris Spencer!) and the receiver formerly known as Deon Branch is still in town. That said, Pete Carrol's new regime has effectively purged the roster from last year. According to seahawks.com, the 'Hawks have made 122 roster moves this off-season, by far the most in the NFL. It seems that many of the starters during the last two years are gone and the holes have been filled with young, unproven players(Walter Jones/Russell Okung!). However, seeing as those departed veterans won a combined 9 games in the last two years, you won't see me shedding any tears over their loss.

2. We've Got Jesus

I heard an interview with Matt Hasselbeck earlier this year with him describing a recent family dinner with newly acquired QB Charlie Whitehurst. For whatever reason, the family didn't say grace before that meal, leading to a revelation by Hasselbeck's 8 year old daughter, who told her dad that they didn't need to say grace because Jesus was at the table. This kind of mistaken identity probably doesn't happen as much in other religions (hey, who's that golden guy with 6 arms sitting by dad?).
Now, in all fairness, Jesus is fairly inexperienced in the NFL. He's been around for four seasons, but he's never thrown a pass in the regular season. Did I mention the Seahawks are paying him $4 million this year? Well, at least he can heal Matt Hassel-ouch-my-back when he inevitably gets hurt again. Now, if only we'd had him around when Ken Hamlin got smashed in the face with a stop sign...(You forgot about that, huh? How many people do you know that have been beaten someone with or been hit with a stop sign? Why isn't this discussed more!?)

3. Golden Tate Had Sticky Hands Before He Stole that Donut

Rookie receiver and amateur pastry thief Golden Tate is really good. In two years as a starter at Notre Dame, he racked up over 2,700 yards and 26 touchdowns. Sure, some of his success came against mediocre college teams, (like UW--9 catches, 244 yards. Ouch!) but he also came up big against NFL caliber athletes, torching USC with 8 catches for 117 yards and 2 touchdowns. He's not big (5'11") but he's certainly got the speed, having run a 4.36 at the NFL Combine. He catches the ball well away from his body using strong hands, something of an anti-Seahawk trait (Darrel Jackson anybody?). Winning the starting role shouldn't be too difficult, as he only has to beat out the Deon's, Branch and Butler. If all goes well, we could be looking at Percy Harvin West (minus crippling migraines).

4. The Jazz Man Has Arrived

Meet your new starting safety: he's 5'10", he went to the University of Texas, and he plays the tenor saxophone. Earl Thomas, the 14th pick in the this year's draft, was considered by many scouts to be the top safety coming out of college. He had eight interceptions last year and coaches rave about his ability to roam the field. He's been called the most "instinctual" defensive back to come along in quite a while, drawing comparisons to terrorizing, game-changing forces like Ed Reed. After several years of Deon Grant and Brian Russel at safety, new blood at the position is an encouraging sign for the defense. Now, notice I called him "The Jazz Man", due to his mastery of the saxophone. I've not seen this nickname given to him anywhere else, so I'm starting it right now. If you're reading this(who am I kidding, nobody's reading this!), you have an obligation to spread this nickname until it sticks. I have tried ventures like this in the past, and I must confess they've failed miserably (see Milton Bradley is an Evil Wizard). However, with your help we can make this happen! I'll consider it a success when I hear Steve Raible uttering the words "The Jazz Man is sure playing some sweet chin music today!" So if anybody know's Raible, that would really help my cause.

5. They Play in the Pee-Wee Division of the NFL

The 'Hawks get to play the Rams twice every year. This is a blessing that we sometimes take for granted. But this year, the Rams aren't the only cupcake on the schedule. The Hawks schedule includes games against the Chiefs, Raiders, Buccaneers, and Broncos. I might be overly cocky, but I look at their schedule and see 6 easy wins. Assuming they can steal a couple more W's, that puts them at 8 wins, which will probably be good enough to win the NFC West. Okay, so relying on the mediocrity of others isn't exactly awe-inspiring, but we've got to take whatever small comforts we can! I mean, I could barely come up with 5 reasons why the 'Hawks won't be terrible. (In case you're wondering, having Matt Hasselbeck at QB is the baseball metric equivalent of -4.0 WAR--if you aren't a stat geek like me, it means he sucks.)

The Bottom Line: I don't expect great things from the 2010 Seattle Seahawks and neither should you. I do expect a team that's interesting to watch and a team that fights hard until the bitter end. If they can win 6 or 7 games and show signs of improvement, 2010 will have been a success. On the other hand, I wouldn't be heartbroken if they landed the first pick in next year's draft. Apparently there's some guy named Locker who's supposed to be pretty good...