The Root of All Mediocrity

I'm going to describe to you a starting quarterback in the NFL. (Given the nature of this blog, I'd be surprised and/or disappointed if you didn't know who I was talking about immediately, but play along.) Let me preface this by saying I have nothing against the man personally and I hope one day we can settle our differences honorably, whether through discussion or a Ninja Dragon-style martial arts duel. (Ninja Dragon Duel)

Let's begin with the basics. He's 34, soon to be 35. He's missed 15 games in the last four years due to back and rib injuries and he's generally considered to be about as tough as a wet carrot. In 2008, despite his advancing age, he threw only ten interceptions. However, the key statistic from that year is the amount of games he played in. Here's a subtle hint: less than eight and more than six. Ten interceptions in seven games. If you're reading this thinking, "Wow, this sounds like the balding quarterback of a 4-12 team from the Pacific Northwest", stop it. We haven't arrived at the big reveal yet.

What's that you say? You want more stats? Well, lucky for you I know all these wonderful numbers off the top of my head (nfl.com). In the last three years, his average passer rating is 74.3, which is decidedly below average for a professional quarterback. He ran a 5 second 40 yard dash....when he was 22. Analysts (me) estimate that his speed has diminished to the point that Stephen Hawking is likely to beat him in a footrace. He's based his career on being accurate, yet his accuracy over the past four years is below 60%.

In some bizarre world where pigs fly and Steven Seagal doesn't kick ass, starting (spoiler!)Matt Hasselbeck would be a perfectly reasonable starting quarterback on a winning team. However, in real life starting an aging quarterback with the arm strength of Lindsay Lohan and the accuracy of Dick Cheney isn't the best path to success.

The bottom line is that the Seahawks will never bear any resemblance to a good team until they obtain their own franchise quarterback. Ruling the air (don't sue me Verizon, I'm only worth about $20) has become the staple of the modern day NFL. In years past, teams could win a Super Bowl with sub par quarterbacks like Trent Dilfer. Those days are over. New general manager John Schneider must bring in a franchise quarterback to stick around for a decade. (In case your wondering, Charlie Whitehurst is not the answer, despite his stunning resemblance to a certain prophet.)

Now, I'd sound an awful lot like a politician if I just complained about a situation without proposing a feasible plan to fix it. Being the responsible person that I am, I just can't allow that. Here's my plan: Lose every game. If we're going to be a mediocre team, why not just go for the gusto and be the worst? If you're going to be bad at something, why not be historically, famously bad? Plus, the light at the end of tunnel goes by the name of Jake Locker. A young, mobile quarterback with a rocket arm would be a welcome addition and a much needed foundation for a team searching for its identity.

(Also, I couldn't write a piece about Hasselbeck without mentioning that his brother is married to Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the Wicked Witch of the View. She's like the human version of Ann Coulter, who is, in fact, a talking freezer.)

Legion of Doom Meeting

5 Reasons the Seahawks Won't Suck

1. Tim Ruskell is Gone

Yes, many of his failed draft picks are still around (I'm looking at you Chris Spencer!) and the receiver formerly known as Deon Branch is still in town. That said, Pete Carrol's new regime has effectively purged the roster from last year. According to seahawks.com, the 'Hawks have made 122 roster moves this off-season, by far the most in the NFL. It seems that many of the starters during the last two years are gone and the holes have been filled with young, unproven players(Walter Jones/Russell Okung!). However, seeing as those departed veterans won a combined 9 games in the last two years, you won't see me shedding any tears over their loss.

2. We've Got Jesus

I heard an interview with Matt Hasselbeck earlier this year with him describing a recent family dinner with newly acquired QB Charlie Whitehurst. For whatever reason, the family didn't say grace before that meal, leading to a revelation by Hasselbeck's 8 year old daughter, who told her dad that they didn't need to say grace because Jesus was at the table. This kind of mistaken identity probably doesn't happen as much in other religions (hey, who's that golden guy with 6 arms sitting by dad?).
Now, in all fairness, Jesus is fairly inexperienced in the NFL. He's been around for four seasons, but he's never thrown a pass in the regular season. Did I mention the Seahawks are paying him $4 million this year? Well, at least he can heal Matt Hassel-ouch-my-back when he inevitably gets hurt again. Now, if only we'd had him around when Ken Hamlin got smashed in the face with a stop sign...(You forgot about that, huh? How many people do you know that have been beaten someone with or been hit with a stop sign? Why isn't this discussed more!?)

3. Golden Tate Had Sticky Hands Before He Stole that Donut

Rookie receiver and amateur pastry thief Golden Tate is really good. In two years as a starter at Notre Dame, he racked up over 2,700 yards and 26 touchdowns. Sure, some of his success came against mediocre college teams, (like UW--9 catches, 244 yards. Ouch!) but he also came up big against NFL caliber athletes, torching USC with 8 catches for 117 yards and 2 touchdowns. He's not big (5'11") but he's certainly got the speed, having run a 4.36 at the NFL Combine. He catches the ball well away from his body using strong hands, something of an anti-Seahawk trait (Darrel Jackson anybody?). Winning the starting role shouldn't be too difficult, as he only has to beat out the Deon's, Branch and Butler. If all goes well, we could be looking at Percy Harvin West (minus crippling migraines).

4. The Jazz Man Has Arrived

Meet your new starting safety: he's 5'10", he went to the University of Texas, and he plays the tenor saxophone. Earl Thomas, the 14th pick in the this year's draft, was considered by many scouts to be the top safety coming out of college. He had eight interceptions last year and coaches rave about his ability to roam the field. He's been called the most "instinctual" defensive back to come along in quite a while, drawing comparisons to terrorizing, game-changing forces like Ed Reed. After several years of Deon Grant and Brian Russel at safety, new blood at the position is an encouraging sign for the defense. Now, notice I called him "The Jazz Man", due to his mastery of the saxophone. I've not seen this nickname given to him anywhere else, so I'm starting it right now. If you're reading this(who am I kidding, nobody's reading this!), you have an obligation to spread this nickname until it sticks. I have tried ventures like this in the past, and I must confess they've failed miserably (see Milton Bradley is an Evil Wizard). However, with your help we can make this happen! I'll consider it a success when I hear Steve Raible uttering the words "The Jazz Man is sure playing some sweet chin music today!" So if anybody know's Raible, that would really help my cause.

5. They Play in the Pee-Wee Division of the NFL

The 'Hawks get to play the Rams twice every year. This is a blessing that we sometimes take for granted. But this year, the Rams aren't the only cupcake on the schedule. The Hawks schedule includes games against the Chiefs, Raiders, Buccaneers, and Broncos. I might be overly cocky, but I look at their schedule and see 6 easy wins. Assuming they can steal a couple more W's, that puts them at 8 wins, which will probably be good enough to win the NFC West. Okay, so relying on the mediocrity of others isn't exactly awe-inspiring, but we've got to take whatever small comforts we can! I mean, I could barely come up with 5 reasons why the 'Hawks won't be terrible. (In case you're wondering, having Matt Hasselbeck at QB is the baseball metric equivalent of -4.0 WAR--if you aren't a stat geek like me, it means he sucks.)

The Bottom Line: I don't expect great things from the 2010 Seattle Seahawks and neither should you. I do expect a team that's interesting to watch and a team that fights hard until the bitter end. If they can win 6 or 7 games and show signs of improvement, 2010 will have been a success. On the other hand, I wouldn't be heartbroken if they landed the first pick in next year's draft. Apparently there's some guy named Locker who's supposed to be pretty good...

Let Down by a Legend

Fiume/Getty

Ken Griffey Jr. will be remembered as the greatest player of his era, and deservedly so. He retired as the fifth most prolific slugger of all time, walking away from the game with 630 home runs. With his statistical dominance, he insured that his name would forever be connected with the all-time greats.

But Mariner fans know that's not all he did. Without the infusion of talent and character that Griffey brought to town, the future of baseball in Seattle would have been in doubt. He, along with other Mariner legends like Jay Buehner and Edgar Martinez, spawned a new generation of baseball fans throughout the state of Washington. Most importantly, he didn't cheat. His name has never been connected to performance enhancing drugs, freeing him of the dark cloud currently hovering over baseball. In a perfect world, he would decline slowly and gracefully.

Unfortunately, Jr.'s bat was just too slow; his abilities too diminished. It was clear that his career was on its last legs. And yet, his downfall somehow led to the demise of manager Don Wakamatsu.

Reports from the clubhouse indicate that the players' loyalty to Wak left with, and because of, Griffey. When the story emerged that Jr. had been sleeping in the clubhouse, the message should have been clear: that a once-dominant superstar was merely a shell of his former self, tired from 20 years of MLB service. There's no shame in decline due to age. It's standard fare for professional sports.

Instead, the incident created a divisive, bickering clubhouse that never came close to reconciling. According to reports, Griffey blamed Wak for the leak about his napping and he made sure to spread his discontent around the clubhouse. The other players were quick to take Griffey's side. After all, who is going to disagree with an all-time great? They felt that a player of Griffey's stature should go out on his own terms.

As the season progressed and it became obvious that Griffey had no business hitting regularly, Wak tried other options to give life to the dreadful offense. Jr.'s pride, however, disagreed. Instead of staying with the team as a PR stunt and celebratory relic, he retired. However, this was not the retirement of the Kid. This was the retirement of the Curmudgeon. It was not a fitting end for a player that had long been known for his playful, friendly spirit. Instead, he was just gone one day, leaving a seething, passive-aggressive statement in his wake. At first glance, it seemed friendly enough, albeit sad. However, a closer reading revealed an angry break-up letter from a player who refused to admit his skills were diminished.

After the departure, the Mariners' season quickly went from bad to worse. The clubhouse, which had once been known for unity and a frat-like brotherhood, was now downright venomous. On pace for another 100 loss season, someone had to pay. Wakamatsu, who just a year ago was seen as the savior of the franchise and a breath of fresh air, was now seen as the problem. Players didn't respect him and the team was losing. The remnants of Griffey's discontent grew like weeds until the the team was engulfed in bitterness. Even in retirement, Jr.'s anger has not faded. Earlier reports indicated that Griffey had claimed he would not return to Safeco Field while Wakamatsu was there, claiming that he was not treated like a player of his caliber should have been.

I won't claim that Wak was having his best year, but he deserved more time to rebuild a shattered clubhouse. He was handed a flawed roster from the very beginning, with three one-dimensional players (Bradley, Griffey, and Sweeney) and a group of pathetically incompetent hitters (Jack Wilson, Johnson, Kotchman). To put the nail in his coffin, the remaining players had the worst stats of their career, with Figgins hitting a hundred points below his career average. The lack of talent alone would have been a problem, but Griffey made it significantly worse. Instead of providing the veteran presence that he had in 2009, Jr. was a divisive force, unable to accept his demise. Instead of living up to his soon-to-be legend, Ken Griffey Jr. showed a selfish, angry side and sabotaged the career of an up-and-coming manager for pride.

Because Misery Needs Company

Pete Lidell/ Seattle Times

One. In the 43-year history of professional sports in Seattle, we have exactly one championship, stemming from the 1979 Seattle SuperSonics. In that time, the New York Yankees alone have laid claim to seven World Series and the Los Angeles Lakers have won eleven NBA Championships. To be fair, these are, of course, the royal franchises of our nation and to compare our lovable losers to these diamond crusted juggernauts is simply not fair.

However, even when compared with an average city, we in Seattle suffer. Every year we convince ourselves that various off-season moves will finally put our team over the top and bring some pathetic measure of glory to our city. We've always just "one player away". As you've no doubt been subject to by now, Seattle is the ultimate master of bad off-season moves, from Chone Figgins this winter to the Sonics actually going so far as skipping town. Talk about a disappointing season (or lack of). Our teams actually seem to build our hopes up higher and higher, continually building on the heaps of broken hopes past, only to fall further than ever. For example, the 2001 Mariners. 116 regular season victories, tied for the most in the esteemed history of Major League Baseball. Then they lost to the Yankees in the ALCS. Not depressed enough yet? Would you enjoy another punch in the gut? Granted. A brief walk down memory lane leads us to the 2005 Seattle Seahawks, who enjoyed a 13-3 record. As you'll remember, they managed something the Mariners could not: post-season success. The franchise made it to Superbowl XL, only to be defeated by referees. Bill Leavy just apologized, did you hear? Am I still mad about it? Wait...Wait...Wait...Yeah, still pissed.


So why do we find ourselves drawn to these miserable excuses for professional sports franchises? Because misery needs company (there it is). Because we can't help not to pull for these losers in our backyard. Even though the Bill Bavasi's and the Tim Ruskell's of the world continue to haunt us, we persevere. We live in a place where the weather is nearly intolerable nine months of the year. You won't hear Seattle mentioned without some kind of joke about the weather. But those of us who live here know that when the sun does come out, Seattle is one of the most beautiful places around. The same applies for our sports. Yeah, the Mariners suck and they will probably endure another 100 loss season (maybe a few). Yeah, the Seahawks will probably lose ten games or so. And yeah, the Oklahoma City Thunder will probably contend for an NBA Championship. To summarize, we suck. But we won't always suck.....right?


I don't really know what my intentions for this blog are. I'm not even sure if anyone will read it. I'm not, by any means, an expert, just a college kid with a computer. However, if you're looking for a disgruntled fans version of sports news here in Seattle, I'll gladly oblige.